500 Reasons Why No One Should Live in Florida

A work in progress…

Archive for the tag “cooter”

#10: Can’t Say ‘Vagina’

10. That which cannot be named: That’s right. This is no phallacy (I am really sorry for that). “The Vagina Monologues” was slated to be performed at the local theater Atlantic Beach, Florida. A woman was driving her 10-year-old niece through the main thoroughfare when her niece saw the marquis and asked “What’s a vagina?”

Close, but not exactly, kitty.

Now, you or I might wonder why a 10 yr old girl doesn’t already know what a vagina is, particularly because she’s got one. In Florida, this is apparently considered a perversion by many, so this flustered aunt called and complained about the apparent pubic obscenity (again, I apologize).

After much contention, the marquis was changed to “The Hoohaa Monologues”. Maude Lebowski would be horrified. Remember, this is the same state with a “Cooter Festival” and the Withlacoochie River. I think the lady doth protest too much. http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/36594-no-vaginas-please-were-floridian

One has to wonder why the vagina is the Lord Voldemort of body parts in a state that can only be described as the mother of all geographical innuendos.

Your local pharmacy will not have anything with instructions for freshening up your 'hoohaa' and for the record, innuendo is not a suppository, just in case you chaste Floridians were wondering.

I admit, I don’t really understand what’s so taboo about saying ‘vagina’. You’ve either got one and/or come out of one (don’t get all technical with the c-section argument, either). What is more natural than the human body? I can tell you what’s not natural: human beings living in Florida!

In any event, I just can’t get behind the suppression of expression, and every girl (and boy, for that matter) should know about the body without having to feel shame and embarrassment about it. Not that I am saying we should all go nude! Especially in Florida! I have been to the water parks!

I appreciate the efforts of Mother Nature to educate us, but this may be a little too "in your face".

Thinking back to my blog about the Cooter Fest, maybe women in Florida really are operating with something different. That would explain all the dirty names for things… they just don’t have a frame of reference! Well, I am sure whatever the equipment is, it would be better off in another state.

Reason #5: Inverness (Florida’s Lady Part)

Inverness: The only small town to get it’s own entry, Inverness a.k.a. The Middle of Nowhere, FL is a stand-alone disappointment. This was a tough decision since Arcadia was definitely in the running due to the appliance wasteland that the Peace River has become and the, let’s say unique offering of deep fried gizzards in a box one can purchase at the Chester Chicken fast food joint inside convenience stores on the way to said wasteland, but alas, Inverness is the unfortunate victor.
Arcadia is a historic town that values it's heritage and keeps old traditions alive. This was taken just last week.
Arcadia is a town that values and preserves its history and traditions. In fact, this picture was taken just last week.
One happens upon Inverness en route to Ocala, which is en route to camping. I suppose if you’ve already prepared yourself for navigating sandy marshes chock full of alligators, boars, ticks, scorpions and fire ants (see #4), Inverness can’t be that much of a bummer. You could suppose that, but you’d be wrong. Florida may look like a big penis, but Inverness might be… what’s the proper term in Florida… a ‘hooha’ (we’ll cover this soon enough). Home to the Withlacoochie State Trail and the Great American Cooterfest http://www.cooterfestival.com/, Inverness tacity admits to being a female’s naughty bits.
I don’t know what’s wrong with the women in Florida, but my cooter definitely doesn’t look like this.
You may think I’m just picking on this hapless geographic locale, but I’ll prove you wrong! The Cooter Fest is the seminal issue in the war against admitting that Inverness is the geographic equivalent of a vagina. I submit this evidence from The Daily Show.
Is this entire festival offensive to women? Perhaps, but I think we are neglecting the real marginalized population of minorities: the turtles. I am personally appalled that Florida’s turtles haven’t taken to the street in protest of this derogatory epithet.  In addition to this offense, Florida’s turtles also have to worry about their ability to survive. I mean, what sadistic turtle-hater came up with this:

You can see this festival is not just for recreation and community, it also spreads a dangerous message calling for the genocide of law-abiding turtles.

I don’t know about you folks, but this is too much controversy for me. Some of you may think living in a big vagina is the way to go, but it’s just not my style. Add to that, the exploitation of women, turtles and awful humor and you’ve got one heck of a reason never to live in Florida.

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